NHL training camp is set to start on July 13th with the qualifying round beginning on August 1st. Once players enter the "bubbles" within their hub cities, they aren't allowed to leave.
Players also aren't allowed to have family present until the Conference Final.
This means *GASP* players won't be able to have sex for an extended period of time. Is that an issue for hockey players? According to Stephen A. Smith, it's a problem for NBA players.
I'm somewhat of an expert at not having sex. Here's what I looked like in high school.
There have been a few times in my life where I've shockingly gone at least five or six weeks without sex.
I would like to offer up my services to the NHL as an abstinence consultant. I can help players through this difficult time in their lives.
Step one to living a sex-free life: Load up on porn (that link is safe for work.) If computers are monitored and search history is filtered inside the bubble, then players can always go the hotel PPV route. Imagine Justin Schultz ordering "The Da Vinci Load" and Mario Lemieux or Ron Burkle footing the bill.
Step two to living a sex-free life: Distract yourself! Keep your mind off of sex! Here's a list of things that aren't sexy at all: politics, puppies, the 1992 NLCS, and pictures of Jeff Karstens.
Step three to living a sex free life: Avoid triggers. This is pretty self explanatory. If there's something that makes you randy baby (Austin Powers voice) try to remove it from your life. Example: Rex Ryan would want to keep his eye line at shin-level or above.
If these strategies don't get the job done, just try eating a raw potato. I've heard that it works.
I don't want to give away any more of my secrets. I have a very particular set of skills and I've been told, "if you're good at something never do it for free."
I expect Donald Fehr to call any day now. My price? 80 K.